But, there is an upside...

I haven't written in a while. If you have children you can understand that time is short and, since my last post, I have also started working again. Granted, not a full time job, but it was a huge step when I hadn't spent hardly a moment without her in nine months. 

As I sit here tonight, after trying to get my screaming one year old to sleep, I am baffled. The woman girl I knew two years ago as Amanda no longer exists. She has been replaced by a woman with hair that hasn't been brushed in a week (don't worry, it's clean), wears sweats, and wouldn't know where her "good" shoes were for anything. I actually had a conversation with my sister this evening regarding, mostly, that very subject. The feminine has been left behind somewhere. 

You know what? 

I am okay with that. My girl is fantastic. There are a lot of days that I want to rip my hair out and hide in the closet and that is okay, too. I have come to grips with this funny little life I am now living. Trips through the grocery store at break neck speed have been replaced by strolls as I stop every few feet to entertain a bored child. She is easily bored. My obsessively clean house has been replaced by piles of toys and the occasionally surprising pool of baby spit up. Those are like cat vomit. You've heard the gagging and hacking noise, you know it is around somewhere but you never see it until you are doing the "OH GOD! What have I stepped in?!" dance. The only thing I'm still a bit bitter about is my books. I've been reading the same one for three weeks now and I am only two-thirds of the way through. I don't even remember how the story started at this point. Makes me feel a bit senile. 

My little family is infuriating. My husband is like a giant toddler at times as I walk along behind him picking up flotsam and listening to the same story he has now told for the tenth time. My daughter as I chase her through the house giggling just to catch her just to realize that he diaper has leaked and I am now covered in excrement. My dog as I stare at him in complete frustration that only lasts two seconds as he puts on his "shame face" and we end up sitting on the floor together with him getting ear scritches. My cat...well. Cats are just bitter and rotten at all times. How can you ever tell what is going on with them? 

My point being, life gets me down. It gets hard to the point you are sitting in a closet and crying. You get angry, you feel lost, you hate yourself and everyone around you. But at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, I can't help but love my family. No matter how angry or at my wits end they make me I still love them. 

But it doesn't mean that a vacation wouldn't be a nice change of pace...